Wednesday, 25 February 2015
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a teenager as opposed to an adult.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within self-created judgments as to what makes an adult, and what makes a teenager.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I 'don't act my age'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my behaviour infront of certain age groups/genders as to appear more adult.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that attempting to be/appear as an adult when in the vicinity of certain people is strictly a participation within self-created judgments/opinions as to what an adult 'is'.
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not 'be myself'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that certain clothing that I wear is not 'adult' enough/fearing that teenagers only would wear this clothing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wear clothing that I deem as comfortable for my physical body, instead of wearing/buying clothing based on a desire within self-created judgments of what I 'think' an adult should wear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to categorise people within an adult/teenager/child bracket, instead of simply taking each and every individual for WHO they are - not having any self-created judgments/opinions of one just because of their age.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I must stop doing certain things that I did as a child/teenager because I see them as 'immature' or I see them as 'only for teenagers/children' - instead of seeing if it's practical/can assist me, or something that I like to do, no matter what my age is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can't have 'fun' anymore because I am an adult.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fun as something that only children/teenagers can have, which is NOT true.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that my life is 'over' in terms of not being able to have 'fun' anymore, failing to realise that FUN is defined by how I define it.
To be continued.
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
Whereas for me, I don't have any of that right now, not married, no children, no job. I'm still 'finding myself'. It's a process. In terms of the job, it's like what I've read elsewhere, people ask eachother what one does for a living for instance, as if that equates to how successful one is, but it's not the case. A job doesn't define someone, well, it shouldn't. Even when in the vicinity of others that 'look' more 'adult' perhaps, I mean....yeah, it all comes down to how I see myself, and that is, seeing myself as a 23 year old, in a 15 year old's body. With a 15 year old's demeanor/presence. So, I have to stop all these pre-conceived notions/patterns/judgments of what I see as being an adult vs being a teenager.
To be continued.
Friday, 20 February 2015
When and as I see that I'm attached to controversy and desire controversy, I stop and breathe. I realise that if I bring the controversy point back to self and see that I am in the middle of the controversy, I would NOT like it and would rather rectify the situation ASAP - which is ALSO what I should do within EXTERNAL controversy, such as if it is to do with friends/family, anyone or anything - I should TAKE self-responsibility to act on controversy in a sense of STOPPING it from doing further 'damage' - thus, I commit myself to treat and act on controversy as I would do if I, MYSELF was in the same situation of controversy - because within bringing the point back to self, I can see that being at the centre of the controversy is not a pleasant thing, as I can remember times where I have been in this situation - it's best to stop ALL controversies, whether internal/external, because they do not assist me/others/society, they USUALLY harm.
When and as I see myself desiring to add fuel to the fire of an external controversy, I stop and breathe. I realise that assisting in building up the controversy is PURELY for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES outside of myself, from a point of SELF-INTEREST. Which is obviously INEQUALITY, as I am treating the matter as an external issue that can be turned and twisted into something that I see within my MIND as beneficial for me, when in REALITY, controversies do not assist me or others - I commit myself to attempt to rectify all controversies, instead of aiming to 'keep them going' or 'increase' the controversy by talking behind others' backs and things like that.
When and as I see myself desiring a point of controversy happening because I desire something 'different' happening within my life, I stop and breathe. I realise that a desire for something different within my life to happen is dependent on ME and what I choose to do within my life, and it should NOT be seeked externally, it should be an internal satisfaction that I give/offer to myself. I commit myself to look at things within myself/answers within myself as to find things that 'interest' me and things that can 'make my life more exciting' so to speak, therefore not having the desire to manipulate others for instance to fuel a controversy.
When and as I see myself wanting to participate within an energetic high of seeing controversy arise externally, I stop and breathe. I realise that this energetic participation does NOT assist me in actually ASSISTING myself/another to 'ease' the controversy, it only aims to fuel it. I commit myself to not participate within my mind and thus not participate within the energetic high feeling of seeing others shrouded within controversy/fuelling that controversy, and to instead allow myself to stay HERE and GROUNDED within my physical body, to thus be able to 'calm things down' if a controversy arises and I can do something to assist to prevent it from erupting further/getting out of hand, because within this, I treat others like I'd like myself to be treated.
Thursday, 19 February 2015
Lol, reading that title back to myself, it sounds odd to me, but I've seen this as true. A bit of a 'feud' occurred today between a few people. It didn't get physical, it was mainly verbal and via body language/talking behind one's back, but it was easy to tell that there was a feud going on. But, I was sort of 'happy' that it was going on. I think what it is, is the UNEXPECTED. Like, not knowing what's going to happen. An obstacle in the way. It's like, something 'different' and well, to me... 'interesting' happening.
I've noticed this pattern before, though. Like, September 11, was it a cover up or not? I guess I find it sort of fascinating, the conspiracies/controversies. But I find it fascinating for the 'wrong' reasons. I mean, if it was a cover up, in reality, that's obviously awful. So to me, just generally..breaking the norm so to speak, I am sort of addicted to that. Because when I think about it, if life was the exact same pattern everyday, it would get tedious, so when controversies arise, it's like "Oooo, something interesting is/is about to go down!" Lol, that is how I feel.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to controversies/conspiracies/the unexpected.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek controversies and become attached to them, as a means of 'breaking the norm' so to speak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire controversies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out something external for 'entertainment purposes' - and seeing controversy as that entertainment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see controversy as entertainment, when in the case of a feud happening, verbal or physical, it is NOT entertaining, it is something that must be stopped - because any type of feud between people is not cool and unhealthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'stir the bowl' of controversy, as to make it continue happening, as I am 'attached' to the energetic experience of controversy/something DIFFERENT happening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT look within myself for 'variety' as to do 'different' things - rather than seeing out external controversies which are usually in all likelihood, within a 'negative' energetic experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be brainwashed to enjoy controversies by tv shows, movies - whereas strange occurrences happen, and it 'puts me on the edge of my seat' thus being ADDICTED to that energetic 'high' of watching and watching something to see how it pans out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not attempt to RECTIFY controversies within arguments/disagreements if I CAN, instead of ADDING FUEL TO THE FIRE because I have 'enjoyed' the controversy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that PEACE ON EARTH is the ULTIMATE NECESSARY and MANDATORY thing that is needed, NOT controversies in any way, shape or form.
To be continued.
Monday, 16 February 2015
I've realised a common pattern with everyday things that I do, where I have basically made a PHYSICAL/PRACTICAL decision to DO something, but then HESITANCY 'appears' and I 'think twice' about the PHYSICAL/PRACTICAL decision that I'm about to make. I've realised that this hesitancy is originating within my mind. It's 'making me' think twice about doing something, something that I've already decided within my physical self, is worth doing, or needs to be done. So, I'm writing about it to STOP this pattern of hesitancy, and do basically DO what I set out to do in the first place. Because I've also noticed how what I decide to do, well, it is a physical/practical consideration/decision. It's like instinct. Like, one example is when I've considered going on a break when volunteering, a 10 minute break, because I'm thirsty for instance. Usually it's instinct. Like, "Okay, my body requires water now." And then I make a decision to grab some water and go on my break at the same time, BUT THEN, HESITANCY appears, and it's like "Okay, instead I might put off the break/water for later."
So what I'm saying is that from what I've seen at least, the first instinct is usually physical/practical, a practical/physical consideration for myself. And when I allow hesitancy to appear, it's always been a sign, a message from my mind, telling me that perhaps I should not go on my break and grab some water, even though my physical body REQUIRES water. In that instance, I guess my mind wants me to carry on with volunteer work, but if I do that, I'm SUPPRESSING my physical body by not nurturing it with water. Water is VITAL. It should not be 'questioned'.
That is but just one example. Other examples are like this same example, but replacing the water with food. I mean, if the physical body is 'crying out' for something, I need to ANSWER THE CALL. Why put it off, why hesitate? Hmm. I'm realising some things when I ask myself that question. For the water/break, I'd hesitate because it's perhaps 'too early' to have a break, or something like that. Like, me wanting to spread out my breaks, since I only have 2 per shift. Although that can be remedied, I can drink water without having a break. The food thing is similar, say, it's 11:30 am, and my stomach is rumbling, it needs food. I'd wait until at least after 12 pm to eat, because that is the 'common' thing to do, to eat lunch usually at about 12/12:30.
Although not all examples are like this. Some are like, when I was at the park, deciding whether to listen to music/Eqafe interviews or not, and I'd make a decision to do so, then hesitate and decide against it. Hmm, but I realise that at that time, I hesitated/changed my mind because I wanted to just focus upon nature, be silent, no sounds for a bit, and then listen to music/Eqafe interviews at a later time.
That is interesting. So I guess there always is a reason for the hesitancy. But usually it's not 'valid' or 'appropriate'. But what I do want is to make ONE decision and to STICK WITH IT. Because, through that hesitancy, I can basically go back and forth between doing something or not doing something, and creating/making a 'big thing' out of NOTHING. SO, what I see now is I must SLOW DOWN, to consider all things infront of me, BEFORE making a decision. THAT WAY, I can avoid hesitancy. I can avoid other alternatives, I can avoid split decisions - as to stick to ONE decision that is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a decision to do something, but then hesitate and decide against the decision/make a different decision based on alternative factors.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not SLOW DOWN BEFORE making a decision to do something, that way, I can take ALL THINGS into consideration, thus to be able to make a CLARIFIED decision and ONE decision to DO SOMETHING, rather than 'rush' to make a decision, and then participate within hesitancy which makes me either decide against the decision, or consider other decisions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to RUSH into making a decision.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down at ALL TIMES, to thus be HERE and be able to make practical/physical decisions based on practical/physical considerations for what is best for all life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not 'listen to' my first instincts - which thus far have indicated within me a practical/physical consideration for me/others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that some forms of hesitancy can originate within my mind, as backchats - which are actually related to fears of doing something/taking the necessary practical/physical steps to do what I had planned to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not access the situations of when hesitancy appears within myself, to see, realise and understand whether it's mind based hesitancy (fears/backchats) OR real/practical/physical considerations that I hadn't considered yet, as I was RUSHING too much within my physical body and thus unable to slow down, be HERE and ACCESS the situation thoroughly to thus be able to make an informed decision for what is best for all life.
Within the not listening to my first instincts, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that it depends on the STARTING POINT of my 'first instincts' to thus see whether they are mind-based, or PHYSICAL based. Thus, again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that as long as I SLOW DOWN at ALL times, then I can simply make INFORMED decisions based on ALL considerations/being aware of all things ahead of me, BEFORE making the INFORMED decision. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that an INFORMED decision is a decision which takes into considerations WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL LIFE, within oneness and equality terms, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make informed decisions based on what is best for all life.
When and as I see myself rushing to make a decision, I stop and breathe. I realise that a rushed decision can be based on 'instinct' but that does NOT mean that I have considered in ACTUALITY what is best for all life. I thus realise that instincts can NOT always be 'trusted'. I realise that I must look at my starting point for the instincts that I consider/do. I realise that whatever decision that I make, it must be through NOT RUSHING, it must be through SLOWING DOWN and thus being able to make an INFORMED decision that considers ALL LIFE/WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL. Thus, I commit myself to realise that it's not about trusting things within myself or not trusting things within myself, it's about being HERE, and it's about being able to make a decision EVERY SINGLE TIME, that considers WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL LIFE, ALWAYS, which in itself, takes into considerations all aspects - thus being able to make an informed decision and ALWAYS make an informed decision that considers ALL LIFE/ALL ASPECTS, ALWAYS.
When and as I see myself making a decision based on BACKCHATS, I stop and breathe. I realise that ANY decision based on backchats and thus fears/emotions/feelings, is obviously NOT an 'informed' decision that considers what is best for all life, it's simply a decision based on FEAR/EMOTIONS/FEELINGS, a decision based on my MIND, and therefore NOT a practical/physical decision/consideration in any way, shape or form. I commit myself to STOP when and as I see that I am about to make a decision based on BACKCHATS. I commit myself to STOP AND BREATHE during the moment of making a decision based on backchats, and to thus bring myself back HERE, and thus be able to make an INFORMED PRACTICAL/PHYSICAL decision based on WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL LIFE AT ALL TIMES, MINUS the backchats/fears/emotions/feelings that appear from within my mind and I manifest through making a BACKCHAT based decision.
Saturday, 14 February 2015
When and as I see myself living and standing for the programmed equation within myself of effort = chore = effort, I stop and breathe. I realise that to have a starting point within effort as it constantly being a 'chore' means that I'm being lazy and not willing to receive benefits that I can obtain by putting effort into things. I commit myself to put effort into ALL that I do, because effort for whatever it is that I do, walking, assisting people, taking out rubbish - any task, it will assist me/others, because I can do a task with more discipline, with more awareness. If I am for instance doing something within just wanting to do something ASAP, I am not taking my time with it, I'm rushing, I'm not being aware - through slowing down, I can put in concise effort, which brings with it awareness thus benefits.
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
So, yesterday I wrote how when having two options ahead of me, how I was PROGRAMMED to ALWAYS choose the FAST option. The fast option, or, the easier option. And I wrote how the fast/easier option is NOT necessarily the most effective option. For instance, there is somewhere I have to be. It will take me 10 minute by car to get there. OR, I can walk there, which will take be 30 minuets for instance. Obviously the easiest/fastest option is to use the car. BUT, personally, I'd like to WALK. Why? I get exercise, and I can take in the surroundings of nature/socialise with LIFE, the birds, the bees, the various insects, flowers, grass, LIFE - rather than stay seated in my car.
So, I wrote about TIME - how I preferred to choose the least 'time-consuming' option. I also want to write about EFFORT. Effort, F-IT (Fuck it). So, USUALLY I'd choose the option that requires the LEAST effort. Because I've seen effort as a CHORE. Effort = chore = effort - a constant spiral within equation. So, I see that I have to change my starting point to EFFORT. Instead of ALWAYS seeing effort as a CHORE - which in reality, will get me NOWHERE. If I'm doing something and seeing it as a CHORE, I'm going to be pissed off. Because it's like something that I don't want to do, or I'm being forced to do by my boss at work for instance.
Soo, effort. Hmm. Going back to my previous example; It DOES take 'effort' so to speak to walk for 30 minutes to get somewhere. But what are my benefits? Lots of benefits. It's kind of crazy, really. Everyone is in such a RUSH to do everything - albeit, most are FORCED to, we have so much on our plate so to speak. Work, kids, grocery shopping, general shopping, whatever else. So in that sense, I understand how it can be 'difficult' to STOP and look at the faster or the slower route to see which is more effective. I'm somewhat fortunate for now seeing as I have quite a bit of spare time on my hands, so I can walk, and enjoy my walk somewhere.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ONLY see the PROGRAMMED EQUATION within myself of EFFORT = CHORE = EFFORT = CHORE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT be able to see the effectiveness and the BENEFITS of choosing the option which requires more effort or requires more time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not choose the option which requires more effort because I've accepted and allowed myself to be 'lazy' within always wanting to do the EASIEST thing/option available - instead of putting in TIME and EFFORT - which can BENEFIT ME more than the FAST/EFFORTLESS option.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that EFFORT CAN pay off for not only myself, but for others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to DESIRE an 'easy life' that requires NO effort/no direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand the SUPER MAJOR EFFECTIVE BENEFITS of DAILY WRITING within my Journey to Life - Yes it requires effort to write daily, but it's an AWESOME effort that provides AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING benefits that I would NOT be able to achieve if I saw writing as a CHORE/TIME CONSUMING/REQUIRING TOO MUCH EFFORT.
More to follow - thanks.
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
Sunday, 8 February 2015
CAPS. Need to really highlight that for myself, to bring EVERY POINT BACK TO SELF. My buddy within my process has assisted me in realising that I still continue to NOT bring points BACK TO MYSELF. And that is a reason, I realise now, that I struggle to 'let go' of certain points. It doesn't matter who says what, or what they do to me, I have to TAKE IT BACK TO SELF - It's not about pointing fingers, finding someone to blame, finding a culprit - that gets me NOWHERE. It all starts with me, with self. And if I still react to point/issue, if I still react to a point/issue that I react to if someone says something to me, then I must take that back to self, to find out WHY I still react to words regarding that point. Always starts with self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ALWAYS look for something EXTERNAL to blame. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for a culprit outside of myself, instead of taking SELF-RESPONSIBILITY for the reactions that I have towards ANYTHING, and using that as a means of seeing, realising and understanding that I have a point to write out, a point to forgive myself for, and a point to self-correct/self-commit/self-change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the reason that I attempt to find something outside of myself to blame, is because TAKING SELF-RESPONSIBILITY can be 'difficult' to accept - but it MUST BE DONE - because I am absolutely 100% responsible for everything that I do, for the state of Earth, for what I accept and allow to take place on Earth, for the suffering, for everything - and until I and each life takes self-responsibility for what we've each accepted and allowed - Practical change can NOT happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through failing to take self-responsibility for everything that I do and have accepted and allowed, DELAY my process of change and delay my process of understanding/letting go of points, because I've been too busy finding something external to blame, finding an external culprit - all as a means of avoiding SELF-RESPONSIBILITY.
When and as I see myself looking for something/someone outside of myself to blame/to be the culprit to resistances inside of MYSELF/that I HAVE, I stop and breathe. I realise that NOT taking self-responsibility for anything is programmed within me, whereas I within my life have seen MANY TIMES that I ALWAYS find and have found/searched for ANYTHING/ANYONE outside of myself to blame, AS LONG as I was the one that was 'in the clear' so to speak. I realise that this pattern of NOT TAKING SELF-RESPONSIBILITY is one of the reason's that I at times 'struggle' to ACCEPT self-responsibility. But, within this, I realise that this is NO EXCUSE to use - I realise that blame is a program in which I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as, albeit, it's time for me to BREAK this programming, BREAK the pattern of blame - to physically/practically TAKE self-responsibility for ALL that I/we've become - because that is the absolute key to change, after one takes self-responsibility in ALL facets and in all ways, shapes and forms. I commit myself to NOT participate within the blame program within myself, I commit myself to STOP the blame program - I commit myself to HEED the self-responsibility change that is NEEDED within myself, to BREAK my programming, to break the patterns, and to birth myself as life from the physical.
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Lately I've confused things within my life/self as to what is an obsession, and what is practical awareness. When I look at those two words now, they are very different, but, within obsessions within my own life, I have not realised that they are actually obsessions. I only thought they were 'normal' things to be aware of. There are still a lot of things I still 'naturally' obsess about, and within this, 'freak out' about. It's not really external things, like people or products, it's mainly things do with with myself, like obsessing over whether my phone is STILL in my pocket, or my wallet.
Those are obsessions. There is no reason for me to for instance, constantly check my pockets to know that I have the 'right' stuff in my pockets. Awareness of that would be to know they are in my pockets, and to see no reason as to why they would not be in my pockets. And going back a step, it would mean me being aware of if I for instance put my phone down somewhere for a bit, I'd have to be aware that it was there, and be aware as to remember to put it back in my pocket. So, it's definitely vital to be AWARE at ALL times - because I see that if I am truly aware at all times, I can avoid obsessions. If I live awareness, then there'd be no reason for me to for instance 'fear' and 'obsess' over whether my phone is actually in my pocket or not. Awareness within each breath/step/physical movement of myself would SHOW me that I am HERE - if I am HERE, I would not 'forget' to put my phone back in my pocket after taking it out of my pocket and putting it somewhere momentarily - I'd be aware as to put it back into my pocket, definitely.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'blur' the lines between what is proper/practical AWARENESS, and what is OBSESSION.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise when I am obsessing over something, and when I am simply AWARE of something. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be AWARE of my OBSESSIONS - thus be able to STOP obsessions within their tracks through BREATH/Self-forgiveness on the spot.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that obsessions = backchats. Because within points/things that I 'obsess' about, there is ALWAYS constant backchats within myself of for instance, "Is my phone in my pocket?" and also backchats within 'what ifs' - "What if my phone is not in my pocket? I better check." then manifest the checking/constant checking of my pocket for my phone - which again, should NOT be necessary if I am aware of where I place my phone/where it is at ALL times - awareness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if something is PREOCCUPYING me/my mind within backchats/fears, then apart from it being a point that I must write about, it is also an obsession that I've obviously allowed myself to create and thus exist as.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that obsessions = obstacles.
When and as I see myself failing to differentiate between obsessions and awareness, I stop and breathe. I realise that anything within myself, a backchat, a fear - that is for instance 'constantly' 'on my mind' - is a self-created obsession which I've allowed to be created within myself, and thus something that I must breathe through/write out to of course STOP the point PERMANENTLY in its tracks, thus to not revisit it in any way, shape or form. I commit myself to BE AWARE of EVERYTHING that goes in within myself, whether it's in my physical/practical nature/doing, and ALSO, to be AWARE of points within myself, backchats within myself, fears, obsessions, to thus KNOW what I'm dealing with within myself, to realise whether it's practical awareness, OR obsessive/backchats/fears.
Tuesday, 3 February 2015
I've recently been volunteering somewhere, and have just started recently working at the cash register. My first time using it went quite well, the manager was surprised that I was able to stay 'cool' under 'pressure' or/and when being in the spotlight so to speak. I was still getting to grips with remembering how to input if a buyer uses a credit card to purchase products. I had gotten grips on how to assist a buyer when they used cash.
The day after, a co-worker that had been at the store for many years was at the cash register. The manager suggested that I take over at the cash register, just to further my grip on how to operate it. I did so, with this co-worker looking by/assisting me if I needed assistance. After about 30 minutes, the manager returned and the co-worker stated to the manager that I did well on the cash register, but was 'nervous'. I immediately said that I wasn't nervous, just getting to grips with how to use the cash register/system.
But, I was a bit angry at being told I was 'nervous' which is why I perhaps did not know the cash register inside/out..
At the time, I remember thinking if maybe nerves were the reason that I didn't know how to operate certain areas of the cash register by then? And writing about it now, I still don't actually think 'nerves' were the reason. It had only been my 2nd time using the cash registers. I just had to practice a bit more. Either way, I should not have reacted within anger at being told that I was 'nervous' at the cash register, thus why I had not known how to use the cash register inside/out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger towards a comment that I was 'nervous' when using a cash register.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I must defend myself infront of my manager to show them/prove to them that my co-worker was wrong about me being nervous.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be held in 'high regard' infront of my manager, and felt that my 'regard' or 'character' was being attacked/lessened by the comment of being 'nervous'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the day before, my manager suggested that I could use them as a reference in future, for potential jobs. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as a reason to defend myself/feel the need to defend myself, because I wanted to make it look as if I was the 'best worker' the manager had seen, and thus improve my working ways infront of my manager, which could be then used to my advantage when applying for future jobs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the manager can make their own decision/choices based upon my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to 'prove myself' to my manager at all times - instead of concentrating on the moment at hand to simply do the best job that I can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not, if needed, reply to the comment about 'being nervous' - but to reply to it WITHOUT emotion, and just reply to it cooly, calmly, physically, albeit with no ill intent towards anyone.
When and as I see myself feeling like my character/self is being attacked, I stop and breathe. I realise that attacks/judgments are rather 'natural' and 'common' in society these days, thanks in no part to each one's mind. Thus, I commit myself to not react to someone if they attack/judge me/my character - and just accept that attacks/judgments will occur, and my reactions towards attacks/judgments won't assist myself/the person/the situation whatsoever, thus I don't react.
When and as I see myself attempting to 'look good' infront of the manager because they suggested I use them as a future reference and thus as an advantage/assistance when applying for future jobs, I stop and breathe. I realise that the manager can and WILL make their own choices/decisions about myself/how I work, thus I do NOT have to feel the need to 'defend' myself when someone says something about me that I disagree with. I commit myself to reply to a attack/judgment/comment towards myself, but minus the emotion and thus minus the participated anger energy whereas I feel the need to defend myself infront of my manager.
I don’t know which Fantasia it was, apparently there were 2 movies – anyway, the above link is one of the more specific scenes that I remember from the movie. I remember watching it as a child, and I was SO MESMERISED by all the ‘magical’ things happening right infront of my eyes. Like, those flying magical brooms. I don’t know, I can’t remember the exact happenings, but it was that, and other scenes – generally just the whole magical ‘aura’ of the movie, I was enthralled by it as a child. And I realise that I still have attachments towards it. Like, obviously I know now that magic is non-existent. But, I still occasionally participate within memories of sitting infront of the tv, obsessed with these magical happenings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within memories of being mesmerised by the movie, Fantasia, and all the ‘magical’ things that happened within the movie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still to this day, somewhat ‘want to’ EXPERIENCE that sort of ‘magical’ ‘feeling’ within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long for a magical experience, similar to the one I saw in Fantasia.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that magic is bullshit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that just about EVERY Disney movie/’kids’ movie contains some ‘magic’ in some way, shape or form, which is what entices children to those movies in the first place, same with me in regards to Fantasia – and all it’s doing is simply playing to a child’s imagination/desire to imagine magical happenings which are in REALITY, BULLSHIT.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise again that magical movies are just another way of companies putting ‘distractions’ infront of us, as an excuse/reason for us, the public, to not see the world for what it is, a fucked up world, and a fucked up world where NO MAGIC CAN SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the MYTH of magic/desire to ‘feel’ magic/BE magic.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ‘caught up’ in the whirlwind of magical bullshit movies such as Fantasia, and be ‘captivated’ by FAKE-NESS that in no way educates people in any way, shape or form.
When and as I see myself desiring to be in a ‘magical’ place because of the memories I had as a child when watching Fantasia and seeing all the magical happenings take place within that movie, I stop and breathe. I realise that firstly, magic is BULLSHIT, alas, companies continue to insert magical sequences and such into movies as a means of DISTRACTION within brainwashing kids/people to ‘play with their imaginations’ within HOPE, where one can ‘naturally’ FORGET about the ACTUAL bullshit that we've accepted and allowed to take place on our Earth. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that all magic is just a means of a company brainwashing one to ignore the bullshit that each has accepted and allowed to take place on Earth, and a means for one to ‘feel good’ within IMAGINATION within the MIND of how one can simply ignore REALITY, and instead FANTASISE about ‘magical happenings’ within their own MINDS, thus ignoring real, practical, IMPORTANT issues within the world.
When and as I see myself LYING to myself when considering that MAYBE magic is a POSSIBILITY, I stop and breathe. I realise that through all of the ‘magical’ movies/tv shows that I've watched/participate in and been BRAINWASHED by, I've allowed myself to CLING ONTO whatever amount of HOPE there is of one day being apart of a ‘magical’ paradise where legit magical things happen, which in REALITY is NONSENSE. I commit myself to LET GO and NOT PARTICIPATE within desires and thoughts of ‘hoping’ that magic exists in some way, shape or form. I commit myself to realise that NO magic can alter existence/what we do on Earth into what is BEST FOR ALL LIFE. I commit myself to realise that to get to a point of WORLD PEACE, PRACTICAL/REAL DOINGS are NEEDED, and NO amount of apparent ‘magical’ things can change each of us whatsoever.
Hmm so, I was with another, and they were carrying a bag. I was carrying a water bottle, with no bag. This person had offered to put my water bottle in their bag. I declined. I declined because I didn’t want to ‘accept’ that I was ‘wrong’ for carrying my water bottle around with me, with no bag. Even though I knew I should have brought a bag along with me so I did not have to carry around a water bottle. So I declined this offer because I wanted to look like I was ‘cool’ with carrying around my water bottle, and I wanted to look as if I was ‘right’ for wanting to carry my water bottle around with me, albeit with no bag.
When in reality, it would have been loads easier for me to ‘accept’ the offer and to put my water bottle into this person’s bag, hence saving me carrying it around with me. I declined all because I wanted to look like ‘I made a good move’ by deciding to carry a water bottle with me. And then I got ‘angry’ at both myself and this person, because they asked me a few more times as we were walking around if I wanted my water bottle to be placed in their bag.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept the offer from someone to put my water bottle in their bag to save me the ‘trouble’ and ‘effort’ of carrying around my water bottle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decline the offer of someone carrying my water bottle in their bag, because I wanted to ‘look as if’ I had made the ‘right’ decision in carrying around my water bottle – I didn’t want to look like ‘I had made a mistake’ by choosing to carry around my water bottle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ACCEPT that I had made a misjudgement in deciding to carry around my water bottle with me, with no bag.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to look ‘independent’ by declining the offer for this person to put my water bottle in their bag – and to instead carry it around, myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking like I made a ‘mistake’ infront of this person by choosing to carry around my water bottle without a bag in the first place, thus suppressing myself/my needs by declining the ‘invitation’ from this person to put my water bottle into their bag, saving me the trouble of carrying it around with me.
When and as I see myself declining assistance from another because I don’t want to ‘accept’ that I made an incorrect judgment, I stop and breathe. I realise that people generally do make mistakes, and NOTHING IN ACTUALITY would have ‘happened’ in regards to my relationship with this person in any way, shape or form, had I simply ACCEPTED the assistance from this person. I commit myself to NOT fear ‘showing’ to another that I had made a mistake. I commit myself to not fear imperfections within myself and mistakes within myself/that I make. I commit myself to learn from my mistakes, to thus not make them again in future.
When and as I see myself wanting to ‘impress’ another by showing that I always make ‘good’ choices, I stop and breathe. I realise that to desire to impress another is mind-participation and me hoping to look a certain ‘way’ infront of another, because I want them to ‘see me’ in a certain light, a ‘positive’ light – I realise that I don’t want them to see me in a ‘negative’ light/as someone that makes ‘wrong’ decisions. I commit myself to stay HERE and look at my PHYSICAL SITUATION to REALISE in REALITY/PHYSICALLY that it would be of GREAT assistance for this person I was with to put my water bottle into their bag, thus saving me the trouble of carrying around my water bottle with no bag to put it in.
When and as I see myself participating within angry energy when being repeatedly asked if I want my water bottle put in someone’s bag to ASSIST ME, I stop and breathe. I realise that the constant question of whether I want my water bottle put in another’s bag for assistance kept bringing up backchats within myself of how I SHOULD HAVE brought my own bag in the first place, thus I was angry with myself for not ‘thinking out’ the situation before deciding to carry around my water bottle with me, albeit with no bag. I realise also that I was angry at the person for continually asking me if I wanted assistance with carrying the water bottle, because the more they asked me, the more anger fuelled backchats would come up within me. I commit myself to firstly be AWARE of my starting point/situation of carrying a water bottle around with me in the first place, to realise that a bag would have assisted me in carrying the water bottle. I commit myself to not participate within backchats and thus anger towards myself for realising that I had made a ‘mistake’ in failing to bring a bag for my water bottle. I commit myself to not participate within anger towards the person wanting to ASSIST ME, when that is legitimately all they were trying to do, assist me – because they and I both knew that it would be easier if I had placed my water bottle into their bag. I commit myself to ACCEPT when I make a mistake, and to move on, simply.
Someone mentioned something about my appearance, my eyebrows more specifically, and how that ‘to them’ my eyebrows were ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’. I REALLY became self-conscious as soon as those words were spoken to me. I went into self pity and instantly participated within an angry energy, mainly towards the person who said this about my eyebrows. I guess it was really unexpected because this person usually never said anything about my ‘appearance’ – well, nothing ‘negative’ at least.
And yeah, after that was said to me, I got angry at the person, and started feeling super self-conscious when walking around the shopping centre in public. I didn't want anyone else to see my face/eyebrows in case they also thought they were distracting/annoying..
What I did realise about 5 minutes after my ‘angry outburst’ was that the person who said this to me, well, it was only THEIR idea that my eyebrows were distracting and annoying. It’s their judgment/opinion of what they want eyebrows to look like. It doesn't mean it’s my personal idea of how I ‘like’ eyebrows to look. And each has their own idea of how they like/want their own eyebrows to be. But yeah, ever since being told this, I've been freaking out a bit about my eyebrows and taking ‘extra care’ to attempt to make them look a ‘certain way’ because of how this person perceived my eyebrows to be.
I finally realised that this was not ‘working for me’. My eyebrows are just the way they are, I don’t want to sculpt them endlessly, or pluck them endlessly, or make them look all fancy or whatever. I’m ‘cool’ with how my eyebrows ‘are’. And I see no reason to change this because of how one person perceives them and how one person sees are ‘ideal’ eyebrows. At the same time it was a wake-up call. I should not have reacted in any way, shape or form to what this person said about my eyebrows. I should have simply ‘let it go’. But yes, I need to do this through writing. Letting go of the point, walking the point – which is what I’m doing now..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instantly upon hearing that my eyebrows were ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’ – go into an ‘angry mode’ of being self-conscious whereas I was firstly pissed off at this person for ‘judging’ my eyebrows, and also from those words, self-conscious about the way in which my eyebrows were, fearing that others would also judge my eyebrows to be ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this ‘judgment’ of my eyebrows by this person, was formed through an ‘ideal’ of how this person perceived ‘ideal’ eyebrows to be which is why they made the judgment about my eyebrows in the first place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that each person has their own ‘ideal’ of how they ‘prefer’ eyebrows to generally ‘be’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this person’s words as the ideal to how EACH person thinks of eyebrows generally and thus my own eyebrows, and within this, using that as an excuse to feel self-conscious about how my eyebrows are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this is what society is generally like these days, judgments specifically focused on one’s appearance, which are either backchats, or in this case, spoken to me face to face. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I too have also participated within these judgments and backchats within my mind of how I perceive another’s appearance to be or how I perceive it ‘should be’ because of an ‘ideal’ I’ve come up with within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my eyebrows from my own perspective, and to thus see what I can ‘do with them’ within ‘reason’ – to see how I myself like them, and to not ‘alter them’ based on how another feels about them/judges/perceives them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I was self-conscious about my face generally prior to the judgment made about my eyebrows, which is why I reacted angrily, I was so sensitive about my face, thus the comment about my face, eyebrows, made me go ‘off the rails’ and react towards the person with anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept my face, as to thus not be self-conscious about my face, and thus NOT react to anyone who says ‘anything’ about my face, whether in a ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ light.
When and as I see myself allowing myself to be self-conscious about the appearance of my face, I stop and breathe. I realise that to be self-conscious about the appearance of my face is my allowance of failing to ACCEPT the appearance of my face for what it is, based on an ‘ideal’ of how I perceive a ‘nice’ face/appearance to be. I commit myself to LET GO of how I perceive an ‘ideal’ face/appearance to be, to let go of the brainwashing of how I've come to see an ‘ideal’ face/appearance, to thus be able to accept my face for what it is, as I was ‘born this way’.
When and as I see myself reacting within anger at another judging my eyebrows and saying how my eyebrows are ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’ – I stop and breathe. I realise that this person, as do most people, have a certain ‘ideal’ or ‘template’ of how they perceive ‘ideal’ eyebrows to be/look, thus it’s pointless for me to ‘react’ to how another judges/perceives my eyebrows, as we've all been brainwashed in different ways to ‘think’ how eyebrows/appearance generally ‘should be’ – instead of accepting all appearances/eyebrows as how they are, simply. I commit myself to ‘stay true’ to my own self-image, to accept it, as to not participate within anger energy when another makes a judgment about my appearance in any way, shape or form.
I SHOULD have about 2 days prior to this entry, worth of blogs, but because of backchats about the points I was writing about, I ended up deleting everything I wrote, Self-forgiveness included, and was thus left with a blank page. I had backchats like “Is this point even worth writing about?” – I mean, obviously it was worth writing about if I had already written out a context and was halfway through my self-forgiveness. It was a form of suppression. It was like “Meh, fuck this topic/point – I don’t want to write about it anyway, it doesn't even seem ‘worthy’ of writing about.” Yeah, worthy...I've noticed that within my writings, I have a tendency to compare all of my writings and label them as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Like, some points I see ‘cool’ points, while others I see as ‘silly’ – I see certain points that I write about as ‘silly’ because they are so ‘small’ or TO ME, they seem so ‘small’ and hence I consider them not even worthy of writing about.
But, ‘worth’ is what I make it. I mean, any point within myself that I am struggling with, that I am facing resistance towards, that I have reactions to, whatever it is – it IS WORTHY of writing about. Even if it ‘seems’ ‘small’ and thus APPARENTLY ‘unworthy’ – I mean, if it’s going to assist me of letting go of the point, then why the fuck would I NOT want to write about it? It does not make sense. Sooo, I have to stop comparing my writings to eachother and seeing certain points as more worthy than others, and ‘not caring’ about the ‘lesser’ points and thus not putting as much ‘into them’ as I would with writings that I consider as ‘bigger’ points. Whether it’s a ‘big’ point or a ‘small’ points – it’s a point I must write about and let go of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare each of my points/writings/blogs with one another, and within this, see certain points as more ‘worthy’ than others, and use that as an excuse to not care about the ‘lesser’ points and not put as much effort into the ‘lesser’ points. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see points within myself as ‘less’ than others and ‘not as important’ as other points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start writing about a point and because I judge it as ‘unworthy’ – decide to delete it all, whereas because of this I only end up suppressing the point and allowing it to BECOME a ‘bigger’ point because of my suppression of it when it was a ‘smaller’ point. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand the consequences of not writing about a ‘smaller point’ in the first place – as it can BECOME a bigger/big point because of my lack of writing about it to completion in the first place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that points within myself that I write about do differ in terms of how much they affect me, but it does NOT mean that the points that ‘don’t affect me as much’ are not ‘worthy’ of my consideration/writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can ‘prioritise’ the points that are affecting me more than others, but to NOT FORGET/SUPPRESS the points that are still affecting me, but to a ‘lesser’ effect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit down and write, but to apparently ‘struggle’ to come up with points to write about, realising that I only am ‘focused’ upon writing about ‘affecting’ points and thus ‘big’ points. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that ANY point is ‘worthy’ of writing about, and priority within writings points is ONLY to write out what is affecting me most, which can assist me within my life earlier by writing about the most affecting points by prioritising.
When and as I see myself in the process of writing about a point, and feeling ‘lazy’ within actually writing out the point, or feeling like I want to ‘delete’ the writing I've done about a particular point because of seeing/JUDGING the point as ‘unworthy’ – I stop and breathe. I realise that ALL points are ‘worthy’ of writing about, and just because a point does not affect me as much as a different point, does NOT mean I should just ‘forget’ about it, because in fact if I do that, it WILL come back up and ‘hit me harder’ and ‘affect me more’ BECAUSE I allowed myself to suppress the point, instead of writing it out instantly within the moment. I commit myself to NOT wait until a point ‘really’ affects me BEFORE writing about it, because the more I suppress a point, the more it will evolve/emerge from within myself.