Saturday, 16 August 2014

Day 260 - Fear of meeting someone for the first time

I'm writing this AFTER I met this person (yesterday). I was hesitant to meet this person. I was hesitant because I allowed myself to THINK that I have to be THIS person, this ideal, this ideal person so that this person that I meet likes me. I thought that I had to meet expectations of this person. All of those types of thoughts running within my mind.

But I realise now that I didn't have to be ANYONE. I didn't have to be a person that someone will like. I'm not going to frame myself so that people like me. I will stay true to myself, within my physical self as me. If I go around trying to meet everyone's expectations, then who am I really? I'm not myself. I'm just a picture, an ideal that is trying to meet other's expectations. If I'm not being myself, then I'm not being me. And I don't want to be 'other' people. I only want to be MYSELF.

I used to do this A LOT. And I suspect many other people do this to, whereas depending on the person in question, one will act a certain way. For example, if it's one's mother, they may act with kindness, caring type of personality. Whereas if it's one's girlfriend, they may act like a 'bad boy' lol, whereas they take risks, they smoke perhaps, do dangerous things, as to please the girlfriend. Those are two types of people. The mother wouldn't know about that risky person, only the girlfriend knows. I don't want to be like this. I want to be ONE person that acts the SAME to EACH person, to each life, to each living creature - to everything and everyone - EQUALLY.

That is how expectations are created in the first place. If I'm acting like a risky person towards my girlfriend to 'please' her, then she's going to expect that all the time from me. So basically, if I'm not myself (the caring, kind person who in actuality takes no risks) and if I am instead acting as this risky person in attempts to please a girlfriend - and THEN I suddenly don't want to be that 'risky' person anymore, then she will most likely be disappointed, the girlfriend, disappointed that I'm not the ideal/the expectation of what she wanted me to be.

Bringing this back to my current blog/situation, I was meeting my friend's friend for the first time. And towards my friend, I've re-enacted all types of personalities, all types of behaviours - depending on my mood, my reactions, my emotions, my feelings. Since I am acting depending on these things, I am NOT stable. A stable person is a person who does not have reactions, mood changes, emotions, feelings. Those all change a person, and change a person's personality.

So, I was unsure as to what my friend had spoken of me towards this person that I was going to meet. Did my friend say that I was kind? Moody? Cool? Perhaps my friend in fact indicated that it was dependent on my mood, as she has picked up on these behaviours over the course of our friendship. So basically, whatever my friend was saying in regards to how I am - I was trying to BE that. I was trying to 'fit into' this mold. But who in fact created this mold in the first place? I did, of course. What is the point of throwing all of my power to this person that I'm going to meet whereas I'm trying to do ALL I can to please them?

If I'm not pleasing myself, then I don't want to please anyone. I am only me. I don't have to fit into any type of mold in which I created towards myself. I only must be myself. Remembering of course that I'm NOT emotions, I'm NOT feelings, I'm NOT reactions. I'm none of those. I'm simply a physical body within myself, one and equal to each and every life. Not aiming to please anyone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear meeting someone for the first time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fit into a certain 'mold' whereas depending on what my friend said to this person I was about to meet, that I must fit into a certain category depending on what she said to this person I was about to meet, about me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to PLEASE this person I was about to meet by NOT in fact being myself, and instead being a person that I am NOT really, a person who is not true to themselves, a person with the only fixation of pleasing another.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to fit into a certain personality before meeting this person for the first time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to meet all of these expectations in which I'VE created within myself - also realising that within all of these expectations in which I've created, I've allowed the burden of MORE fear to overcome me through originating all of these expectations of how I should act, how I should be, towards this person.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be my true self, my physical being within my physical body HERE - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the situation of meeting someone for the first time by participating within my mind whereas I attempt to meet all these expectations, molds, personality-types.

When and as I see myself fearing to meet someone for the first time based on the personality-type, the mold, or the expectations in which I've accepted and allowed, I stop and breathe. I realise that I DON'T have to fit ANY of these personality-types, molds or expectations.

When and as I see myself LYING to myself within attempting to fit into something that is NOT truly ME, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must STOP in the moment and bring it back to SELF, as to walk each step within myself within SELF-HONESTY, walking, talking and meeting this new person/any person within self-honesty, as to NOT lie to myself, or lie to the person that I'm meeting, and also to not allow a bunch of definitions of myself to be created and thus a person expecting certain behaviours/ways of the way in which I communicate with that person.

I commit myself to stay HERE within my physical body when meeting someone for the first time.

I commit myself to NOT attempt or fit into a personality-type, mold or expectation in which I've accepted and allowed to be created within myself and thus show that self-created person through my physical body and my unconscious mind whereas I am trying to please another/meet another's expectations of how they want/should see me as a person/individual.

I commit myself to NOT participate within self-created fear of trying to be someone that I am in actuality NOT - I commit myself to be ONE person, not multiple personality-types, I commit myself to therefore not participate within my mind's wants of me to be a particular person when meeting someone for the first time. I commit myself to meet NO expectations, I commit myself to NOT meet my mind's expectations of the person in which I've accepted and allowed to be created within my mind, a personality-type/mold.

I commit myself to literally be the ONE AND ONLY directive principle within my self as me - and within that, NOT allowing my mind to dictate/walk my path/create my fears within meeting someone for the first time.

No comments:

Post a Comment